We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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