Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
