and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
