he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
