Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
