i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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