I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
