I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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