Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
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