What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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