you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
