i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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