Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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