I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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