my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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