My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
