remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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