I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
