we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
