I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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