Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
