I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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