Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
