If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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