white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
