Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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