I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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