I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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