have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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