How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
