I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
