Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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