I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
BRING THE BAGELS
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
