Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am midnight drunk by noon
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
