Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
