I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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