i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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