i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
