hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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