the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize