Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
