Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
