My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
