Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
