His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
