I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
