i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
