Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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