Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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