I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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