I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize