Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
