at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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