My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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