$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
