What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
