that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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