my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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