LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
