plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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