I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
