You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
