i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
