I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
