You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
