I wish I could teleport
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
