a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
